Elderly? I Scoff!
by Amy Kenneley

"An elderly woman was confronted by a purse-snatcher--"

The news anchor droned on, but I was already shocked-not by her unfortunate incident, but by the term he had so casually thrown out. Did he say ELDERLY?

Would he mean me, by any chance? I admit I have traveled through many age brackets and names. First a newborn, then infant, a toddler, student-- after which I fell into the catch-all term, teenager.

The Name Game

Even as "young adults" we were called "grown up" by hopeful parents who wished we would leave home. Then we reached that happy stage of legality: adults. (At least most of us did. Some of us never grow up and that might not be a bad thing).

Then we get tagged with other descriptions: wife, mother, husband, dad, "single gal" "perennial bachelor" and so on.

Just as I got used to my own "tag"-----Splat!! I was middle-aged and getting Beltone appointment reminders in the mail. I thought the middle was lasting a pretty long time, but silly me, I guess the world had determined otherwise. That was the same day that my personal middle, my waist, also ended.

And now, what is left other than ELDERLY? How does the world see us then? Here's how Wikipedia defines "elderly:"

Patriarchal :
Brings to mind robes and long beards. Some people never get past their hippie stage, eh?

Superannuated:
Means lotsa-years. Takes too long to say or remember at my OLD AGE.

Past it:
Not sure of this one, but it might refer to those confusing driving directions, as in "Darn, I just passed it!"

Over the Hill:
It IS a slippery slope, so make sure your shower mat is fastened securely.

Long in the tooth:
I have seen horses checked this way for age, but so far no one has dared try it on me.

Senescent:
Does that mean I smell better? I get a lot of designer soaps as gifts.

Doddery:
I DO go to the camera shop a lot for help. Also the geek store.

Past my prime:
I told you-I don't understand all this mortgage stuff, but I AM in the market for vinyl siding.

Well, that's what the world according to Wikipedia thinks. Not for me, though.

Friends have suggested other tags for those of us "teetering on the brink" so to speak: classics, expiration-daters, silvers, etc. Hmmmmm….

Classic :
Sounds too much like cars we used to own. We had them so long that just as they qualified as a classic---they stopped running. My current almost-classic is working just fine. I have now learned how all 3 buttons work.

Expiration-daters:
This is a friend with a wicked humor but I'll go along. If the salad dressing hasn't yet exploded, it is still table-ready in my book. I'm trusting the Manufacturer to decide on my expiration date, but till then, no reminders.

Silvers:
Even dimes don't have silver in them anymore, so why should we?

If I were to call myself anything, I would call myself LUCKY. Lucky to be here, Lucky for each day, Lucky in this present moment. And if you want to, you can even call me Elder Lucky.

Dylan Thomas wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night-rage, rage against the dying of the light!"

And I certainly intend to. I always keep my smart phone charged, so I can contact the power company when the lights go out.

And I mean the house lights-- not me.