Lumpy Girl Claire
Pork Inspired

It was the night before weigh-in and I hadn't a clue what to write about for my weekly column. I had already touched upon all the pertinent body parts except maybe feet and I really couldn't think of any foot-fat related diet disasters or encouragements.

I sat at my computer for a while, fingers poised on the keyboard, hoping something good would come out. This brought to mind the times when I was a small child and my Mom would encourage me to sit on the potty in hopes that, well, something good would come out. Following this train of thought to its natural conclusion, I was worried about the quality of what I might write.

I decided that it might be better if I got up and took my nightly walk. Perhaps inspiration would find me along the way.

Perspiration hit before inspiration did. What a muggy night! Unfortunately there was no breeze to help cool me off. I was sweating but I wasn't cooling off. The damp just sat on my skin and wouldn't evaporate. I was a walking puddle.

Then as I rounded the corner I smelled it. It was coming from one of the nearby houses. The aroma stopped me in my tracks and for a moment I thought I might levitate a la Snuffles (anyone remember Quick Draw McGraw?). It smelled so good I could almost taste it: homemade bread with butter and crispy hot bacon.

Well, maybe I couldn't smell the butter, but that's the image that it conjured up in my mind. It was so vivid and so compelling that I forgot all about the heat and started making plans for breakfast out this weekend. Even Skinny Girl agreed. Look out bacon here we come!

I know that this isn't diet food by any stretch of the imagination (or waistband). The problem is that if I wait and try to be good the craving will only fester and get worse. You remember the half-cake incident? Think of that in fried pork fat terms and you'll see my point.

As I reluctantly moved myself away from the source of the heavenly aroma I realized that I had the inspiration I needed for my column. As Emeril would say Pork Fat Rules!

Eager to get this written before I forgot it all, I hurried home. En route, the inspiration waned and the perspiration took over yet again. Was it really that hot out or was it just me?

I don't think I get hot flashes yet, but this would have been a good facsimile. If I didn't cool off soon, I was going to crisp right up like I was a giant slab of bacon. Someone would have to come scrap me off the sidewalk with a giant spatula. That is if all the dogs in the neighborhood didn't get me first.

Surely in all this heat I must be rendering some fat. No wonder there isn't any evaporation - it's not sweat that's coming out my pores, it's grease! Thankfully, a cooling breeze began to blow and saved me from turning into the main ingredient for a Claire-L-T.

I apologize to those of you dieters who are abstaining from fried pork products. If you had smelled the bacon, you would be making your breakfast plans too. Don't forget, there was also that fresh baked bread smell along with it. Either one alone could challenge the most conscientious dieter, but both together - forget about it!

It's a good thing that thinking about bacon isn't the same as eating it since I had to go get weighed this morning. Despite the fact that I totally blew my diet while vacationing, my efforts this week have put me back on track and I lost what I gained plus an additional 0.4 pounds!

My grand total is now 18 pounds - only 2 more pounds until 20!!

I guess I know what my next goal is: lose those 2 pounds. My other goal of eating the bacon might be working against me on this one. I know I can do both if I really try.

Claire