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The Eleventh-Most Important Meal You'll Ever Serve
By Miss Melody McClain

I'd like to thank my dear readers, who have begun asking for advice on what to prepare for specific occasions of importance.

That's why I've decided to offer insight into how to prepare for one of the most important meals ever: the I Don't See Where We're Heading Dinner. Or the I Don't Think This is Working lunch.

Regardless, there comes a time in a girl's life when she's gotta cut the significant other loose. And I mean that in a nice way. Breaking up is kind of hard to do, especially if you don't want to pay for an awkward meal in a restaurant where you'll be giving each other death glares and talking through clenched teeth.

The notion of a breakup dinner came to me through a family member, who happens to be famous for serving meatloaf whenever she wants a man to stop coming around. If she wants him to disappear quicker, she burns it. Ah, there's no kiss-off worse than the awkward silences shared over burnt meat.

I personally loathe the loaf (especially the Bat out of Hell albums #1 and 2), so I guess it makes good sense to serve it to someone you no longer love. It's not that it's really bad, it's just not great. Kind of like a rudderless relationship.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: If you feel that your situation could take a dramatic turn for the worse, and I mean that in a domestic dispute on Cops sort of way, you may not want to try the meatloaf breakup. Please consult with the really nice pros at The City Mission or another place that specializes in helping women.

For those who are brave, here's the recipe you need:

Geraldine's Get the Hell Out of My Life Meatloaf (a family favorite since 1994)

  • 1 lbs ground beef (Don't buy the meatloaf mix at the grocery store. It's too expensive.)
  • small onion, any variety, chopped in small pieces (Add more if your significant other hates onion)
  • half a package slightly stale saltines
  • 1 egg
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • Heinz Ketchup
Place meat in a large glass bowl (not wood or metal).

Crunch up saltines, using hands, meat tenderizer or rolling pin (depending on level of frustration) Add onion, egg, salt and pepper.

Using hands, mix until you get a slimy meat mixture that kind of reminds you of your soon-to-be ex. Sob uncontrollably. Blame it on the onion.

Spray somewhat large pan with nonstick cooking spray. Remember to pre-heat oven to 375.

Plop the meat goop into pan. Carefully shape the meat mixture into a structure similar to the Devil's Tower, just like in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Remember, this means something. Smash down into more of a loaf-like shape.

Pour ketchup on top of meat mound. Use only a little if you want to hear complaints about meatloaf being dry. Drown the meat in it if you want to see somebody slop red ketchup down the front of his or her shirt.

Bake in hot oven for 30 or so minutes. Remember to burn meatloaf if you want the evening to be extra miserable. Serve with lima beans or some other vegetable you don't like eating.

Now, remember to hold your head high and tell yourself, "This is for the best!"

Contact Miss Melody via E-mail here.

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