My friend's mom died a few days ago and though her mom was in her late 80's I was still very emotional about the thought of my friend losing her mother. She has a husband and two young children and lived with her mom the past few years while raising her family.
Her mother was sick for much of the past few years and recently learned she had a short time to live due to cancer. I attended the wake and the funeral yesterday. She was buried in the same cemetery as my mother and their graves are maybe a few hundred feet from each other.
Knowing this ahead of time we brought one of my mom's favorite flowers for her grave – lilacs, right from dad's back yard. It also happens to be my mom's birthday today so it made me feel good to bring her flowers.
My dad, sister and brother in law were attended as well. It was a beautiful sunny spring day. If mom were here she would be 69 years old today. It's so hard to believe I have been without her for 17 years. There are days when it seems like yesterday and days it feels all of the 17 years.
My heart aches for my friend knowing that she will be living through the same things as me - both of us without our moms; our children growing up, dating, graduations, weddings. There are moments my heart aches so much because I miss my mom so incredibly. I wish she were here to laugh with and talk with, to go to lunch and shop with.
As a single mom, I feel unsure of myself at times; though I probably have learned to hide it well (maybe this is some kind of defense mechanism?). I am never quite sure if the decisions I make are the best for myself and my daughters.
There are times when I feel uncertain and not at all confident about myself or in the choices I make; like going back to college, volunteering on yet another committee, considering moving to another city, or making the best financial decisions, or even choosing the right high schools for my daughters to attend.
My ex-spouse is in my children's life and I am glad for that - he is not a dead-beat dad. But it would be nice to have the confidence in making decisions like when you were married, when there are two people discussing the issues. This is probably one of the things I dread most, making decisions alone - from my gut.
I guess this comes from being a single parent in your 40's. Of course I have family and friends to bounce things off - but ultimately it's up to me to make all the decisions. If my mom were here, I know she would help me feel better about myself and in the choices I make for myself and my daughters.
I want to make sure my kids knew something about who she was. It's difficult for them because she was gone before they were born but pictures have provided a great way to reminisce. For me it's important to think of her, knowing she is watching out for me..... her daughter.... a single mom.
We single moms without moms really know how important it is to be strong when it comes to our children because they need us. I was blessed with a very special mom. She was beautiful, fun and everyone loved her.
Moms leave the earth with lasting impressions in the minds and souls of their daughters. God willing, I hope I can hand down a piece of her to my daughters.
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